Unconditional Love
Wherein forgiveness is inherent & compassion infinite
wanderlustlover
Do I contradict myself?
Very well, then I contradict myself.
I am large. I contain multitudes.


-- Walt Whitman; "Song of Myself"




I was born on May 3, 1983 at 3:35 in the morning. Making me 30, at the time I am writing this in the summer of 2013. I am Taurus, with Capricorn Moon and Aquarius rising, and I know what all those mean and how they show up in my life. It will amuse you, perhaps, I identify as both American and Texan. Both of which are completely different, and recognize (jabbed and seen) differently across the globe.

Alas, I was not issued a ten gallon hat or a horse at my birth. I still haven't figured out who to address my complaint paperwork, too. I do own a lovely set of boots and hat, though, and I can ride a mean horse, and it's on the high list of things that make my heart soar. If you come to visit me I will probably use it as an excuse to have even more horseback riding.

I, currently, live with one my best friends of over a decade (though we're only heading into our fourth year of living together) and his two cats, all three of whom I'll end up commenting on all about's the world of these places, journal entries and twitter and tumblr.

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[This entry was originally posted at http://wanderlustlover.dreamwidth.org/2237901.html. Comment on either at your leisure.]

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"They are like pampered animals, that rage in savage sensuality."
-- [Act 4, Scene 1] Much A Do About Nothing


I've been in roleplaying games (RPG's) since 1996. I started in chatrooms over on Chat House, moved to and ran PBEM's (play by E-mails) over on One List/Yahoo Groups, and then started playing in threading journal games on Livejournal/Dreamwidth. Some of my games are long dead and some of them are currently active, but I've got a stunning number of characters spread out sort of everywhere.

This is my master list, so other players (and friend, and even me, myself!) will know who they are all are/were!

( Master Character List )
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  • Mon, 12:27: The Internet is sometimes full of too much vitriol. Though I should have assumed given the source.
  • Mon, 16:21: I just backed The Rituals for Living Dreambook on @Kickstarter http://t.co/woDvY3mhqa
  • Mon, 16:23: Avalos Family Medical Fund http://t.co/JqiksXH3tt via @gofundme
  • Mon, 16:50: Moving away from the memory foam bed, to a very bright room, before my want for a nap supersedes my need to do paperwork I have to.
  • Mon, 21:31: Hello, #Helix. I've missed your bluesy, jazzy, oldies music horror love match.
  • Mon, 21:40: Wow, #Helix. This is definitely an interesting start from where you last left off.
  • Mon, 21:40: "I'm from Texas. We don't go to the bathroom without a gun." #Helix
  • Mon, 21:54: That is ballsy, @SyfyUK / # @Helix. A thirty years later hit in the first episode. It's amazing how much that excites me. My trust.
  • Mon, 21:56: "You've never seen Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid? What kind of American are you?" #Helix (@blueofthebay)
  • Mon, 22:00: RT @JamesSACorey: Paperback Cibola Burn comes out May and Hardcover Nemesis Games June if you care about such things. Please use the retail…
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  • Mon, 07:19: Crazy long day ahead of me. Full day of test proctoring. Then skip the gym and use every hour until midnight on getting through ARD papers.
  • Mon, 07:20: RT @tauruscopehere: #Taurus laugh when they can, apologize when they should and let go of what they can't change.

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It's not a thing I do. I'm a survivor. It's one of those steel core thing I know. I'm a survivor of a lot of truly terrible things, and it's made it simple to walk through minor grief and heartbreaks of my life knowing "this is never as bad as watching your baby sister die of cancer for thirteenish years," or living your life like it was normal "after your mother was admitted long term to the psyche ward."

These things put your life into a context. One your mind can accept. One you can process. One that keep you moving forward, working through the list of things you have to do. The things you have no choice but to do, because beauracy and red tape only has so many seconds for you to not be doing them.

I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. Until I do. Until something knocks it loose. Today it was a exquisitely well written episode of a tv show all about grief, and about the loss of someone you love, and all the different ways that can hit you. That boulder sitting weight as air and heavy as twelve mountains on my lungs if I just dare to look at it. If I just dare not to busy.

Today I am 32. Today my father has been dead exactly a month. Today I'm sitting on my couch crying on my birthday. I had an amazing birthday party last night, with people who love me. I even have good things, with dear loved ones planned for the next seven hours. But I'm sitting on my couch crying, because my father died. I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. Until I do.

I've cried only a handful of times. Probably less than twelve times than in last thirty days. Which is still nine or ten times more than I cried when I was thirteen and my sister died. I was nearly five years into not crying by then, and it took me about eight years before I could even get enough faith in my friends to start breaking myself of that habit. Crying is still a thing that is hard.

I cried the first time, the night I heard, nearly an hour after being told, when I realized suddenly and tragically, so suddenly I couldn't breathe, just how much faith I had in the fact I was going to get fix things with my father someday. Not today, maybe not this year. But Gordon and I hated each other all through my childhood and that was never going to happen, neither of us wanted it. And seventeen years later, we have a relationship and my stepfather hugs me goodbye and wants to know how my job is and to see me and to take care of me in the wake of this grief.

And I just started crying so hard as I realized the last page in my book with my father is about estrangement, lies, abandonment, keeping my family from me/me from them and missed connections. It still hurts so much to know I can't fix that. It's this hole in my heart that I keep sitting on the ground and giving to the universe. To Shakit's 'let it go' jar on my mantle from the RCG path the weekend right after it all happened.

Because I know all it can do is sit there, as a heavy weight, and I can't fix it, because no one will ever be here to fix it with.

I found my bear, my Harmony, the one given to me the Christmas after my sister died, one month before my father died. I thought it had been lost for over six years, and suddenly there it was. My father wasn't supposed to die yet. Everyone says that. But there's so much pressure on the yet more than anything else. Not on the my father wasn't supposed to die.

We found out in the fall he had mass in his throat, and that he'd been hiding a diagnosis of COPD from all of us. He was supposed to have four or five years. We were supposed to have four or five years. All of us, together, there was time. We got five months. They called us about his body being found in the middle of a birthday part for one of the nephews.

The last month has been a rollercoaster of horrors and compassion that I've processed one day at a time. Only one day at a time. The squalor of his apartment, with trash piled half to the ceiling, and drawers of cigarette boxes that showed he'd been smoking like a chimney since getting out of chemo earlier this year. The walls we had to use toxic bleach on because of the level of tar.

Fielding everything that was everything because I am the closest genetic heir and it means there's 85% of stuff only I can do. And I need the agreements of the the other three. My two older brothers in California, whom he abandoned when the oldest was ten. And the adopted stepsister in Kansas, whom was the favorite of all of us. There's no will, and the world of death is made of red tape an many dollar signs.

I'm only beginning to get forwarded mail with his name on it in mailbox daily now.

I cried during the funeral. During the twenty-one gun salute. And when they handed me a flag, thanking me for him. But not while I sat there, thinking about the fact at some point in not-too-near (hopefully) future I'll have three of these. My mother has my sister's in a shadow box in her house, and one day it, and the one that my mother earned, will both come to me. And then my whole family will be in flag shadow boxes.

I'll be the only one who isn't a flag shadow box ever.

The funeral was good. The wake was good. Everything involving my siblings has been truly amazing. We've all done so much with and for each other during this. I've had them all hanging out my house. The first weekend all we did was hangout at my place, watching Babylon 5 in his honor and eating food, because we could not do anything until Monday and no one wanted to be alone and no one could really handle other people, who didn't understand.

I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. I'm a survivor. There have been checklists to run through nearly everyday for my father. Which does not even begin to take into account everything I've had to do for my normal life. For my job. My teaching observation from my principal was 8 am the morning after the funeral.

I had one week of proctoring, and 4 ARDs, and 3 field trips. It doesn't count my religious group meetings, or the meetup I'm running, or the meetup I have an interview to become a co-runner of local chapter of an international women's travel organization. The continual heavy lifting weight training I'm doing at the gym.

Every day I run the gamut of being both happy with the life I'm living and strung up with a stress, anxiety and grief that is pressing down on my like a boulder I can't quite see, or feel, or get my hands around. It's no wonder I let myself fallen into a new writing thing, and then into a world of comics, and then into making icons. Direction and monotony that marks itself as directive distraction.

My birthday is today. Today I am 32. Today my father has been dead exactly a month. I was so confused this week the closer my birthday party, and my birthday got. I lost all of April. My sister's birthday didn't even register on the 15th for hours longer than normal. My sister died on my father's birthday in October. My father died 12 days before my sister's birthday. My father's funeral was 12 days after my sister's birthday and 12 days before mine.

I don't talk about grief. It's not a thing I do. I'm a survivor. I

've survived a lot of things. I don't even question that I'll survive this.

I'm almost actually thankful I've been on medication for eight months for things I, also, don't talk about much. But my birthday is today. Today I am 32. Today my father has been dead exactly a month. And all I know is that all of these things are true, and that I'm walking in and out of crying, for the first time since the funeral, on my couch for something I can't fix and someone I still miss for being gone even though he hadn't yet gotten back to being here..

[This entry was originally posted at http://wanderlustlover.dreamwidth.org/2295173.html. Comment on either at your leisure.]

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My 2015 Growth Card: The Chariot

Achieving victory, focusing intent and will, establishing an identity, self-confidence, maintaining descipline, assuming the reins of power and authority. Traveling or moving. Spiritual transformation. Conquest, victory and overcoming opposition through your confidence and control. Universal symbols of change and causation. Changes in family and the home. Career changes and advancements.



Affirmations:
I am responsible for what I cause
I accomplish things effortlessly and well
I stimulate and motivate others positively
I enjoy the combination of quietude and activity





Growth Card Cycle"s Breakdowns & Cycle SetsCollapse )

Breaking down all of my life so far. There are the years, the numbers they add up to (plus parenthesis if the number was over 12. Then inside the brackets is the Growth Card for each of the years. Now what I'm most curious about is learning more about what these cycles mean.

1982: (19 =) 10 [19/The Sun]
The Judgement Cycle
(Ages 1-2)
1983: (20 =) 2 [20/Judgment]
1984: (21 =) 3 [21/The World]
The Emperor Cycle
Creative/Leadership Cycle

(Ages 3 to 8)
1985: (22 =) 4 [The Emperor]
1986: (23 =) 5 [The Hierophant]
1987: (24 =) 6 [The Lovers]
1988: (25 =) 7 [The Chariot]
1989: (26 =) 8 [Justice]
1990: (27 =) 9 [The Hermit]
1991: (28 =) 10[Wheel of Fortune]
The High Priestess Cycle
Creativity/Self-Sufficiency or Individuation Cycle

(Ages 9 to 18)
1992: 2 [The High Priestess]
1993: 3 [The Empress]
1994: 4 [The Emperor]
1995: 5 [The Hierophant]
1996: 6 [The Lovers]
1997: 7 [The Chariot]
1998: 8 [Justice]
1999: 9 [The Hermit]
2000: 10[Wheel of Fortune]
2001: 11[Strength]
The Empress Cycle
Creative/Venus Cycle or your Path of Heart

(Ages 19 to 28)
2002: 3 [The Empress]
2003: 4 [The Emperor]
2004: 5 [The Hierophant]
2005: 6 [The Lovers]
2006: 7 [The Chariot]
2007: 8 [Justice]
2008: 9 [The Hermit]
2009: 10 [Wheel of Fortune]
2010: 11 [Strength]
2011: 12 [The Hanged Man]
The Emperor Cycle
Creative/Leadership Cycle

(Ages 29 to ?)
This symbol and The Chariot are major symbols of change and new beginnings in the entire Tarot system. During Emperor years, individual attempts to own their own leadership; may start new projects; become leaders, directors, or have important responsibilities; may take a major trip or travel; resolve issues conceding fatherhood or with their own father or male authority figures; learn about moving in new directions from an Aries person; may start a business or creative project on one's own; interest in visual arts or photography.

2012: 4 [The Emperor]
2013: 5 [The Hierophant]
2014: 6 [The Lovers]
2015: 7 [The Chariot]


[This entry was originally posted at http://wanderlustlover.dreamwidth.org/2294839.html. Comment on either at your leisure.]

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  • Fri, 20:52: RT @HawaiiFive0CBS: Kono is referencing constellations: Na hiku (the Big Dipper), Hokupa'a (the North Star), and 'Iwa Keli'i (Cassiopeia). …
  • Fri, 20:56: Oh, I was right. Wow, I'm getting to when I can tell which episodes Lenkov penned just from the story/cutting. #H50
  • Sat, 09:39: lost 0.3 lbs since her last weigh-in! #myfitnesspal

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  • Thu, 22:57: .... I don't know if I can watch this show, or Meredith, without Christina and Derek. That's just. I can't even process yet. #GreysAnatomy

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  • Wed, 18:00: My birthday means I can't buy things for myself so they are everywhere.
  • Wed, 18:01: Blue weight lifting gloves. Dixit. A small bamboo or succulent for my desk at work.
  • Wed, 18:01: Funki pops for certain characters. Certain Comics.
  • Thu, 08:14: First early birthday gift arrived yesterday -- my parents gave me my annual membership to the @McNayArt. It's the third year now.

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  • Tue, 19:32: ROY. #Arrow O_O
  • Wed, 07:14: Mon/Wed/Fri mornings are the busiest. When I am up at 6:30 to make a green smoothie, tea, protein shake, my lunch & pack my gym bag.
  • Wed, 07:17: A very good, needed message (from the believe cards from Laura, from who knows how long ago). https://t.co/TTBjL5BCHu

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  • Mon, 17:20: I've just completed day 13 of the 30 Day Ab & Squat Challenge - https://t.co/DzSgUwGX2p why don't you try it too - @30dayfitness
  • Tue, 10:23: Having conflicted, suddenly very sad, confused, feelings about my birthday being only 4-5 days away. This month has been so crazy on me.

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  • Sun, 00:14: My birthday is 7 days away. I feel, so completely, like April has slipped through my fingers. Just. Boom. Gone.

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  • Sun, 12:01: Now, I'm lost in the backwoods of Texas, without any landmarks. Or ability for my map app or the number I called to help. Joy.
  • Sun, 12:03: At least it's pretty? Seriously frustrating, but pretty.
  • Mon, 06:49: Waking up, still exhausted, staring at the ceiling. I feel like a window someone threw a brick though, glass still wobbling to fall more.

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  • Thu, 21:09: On a lighter note -- here are all the ARC's I got from the bookclub's trip to 2015 Library… https://t.co/cca1TKmlB7
  • Thu, 22:03: So tired. My house is a mess. Two of my kickstarters arrived/need pictures, too. But I think I'm going to do my plank challenge and collapse
  • Thu, 22:13: Still haven't gotten up. House isn't 'really' a mess. It's just got all the book stacks, folded laundry, and the funeral papers everywhere.
  • Thu, 22:14: Still it grates on my nerves. I want to just put it all away, but I'm so exhausted, and need sleep for the Special Ed field trip tomorrow.
  • Thu, 22:21: I've just completed day 10 of the 30 Day Plank Challenge - https://t.co/DzSgUwYxTX why don't you try it too - @30dayfitness
  • Fri, 06:51: lost 2.4 lbs since her last weigh-in! #myfitnesspal
  • Fri, 07:27: RT @DETAILS: You guys, it's Friday. You made it. http://t.co/x3hic9A0lF
  • Fri, 10:04: Morning is abundantly stressful over here. It's so fun.
  • Fri, 10:13: Took a 3 minute break to watch the new trailer teaser v
  • Fri, 10:30: 5 more Library Conference ARC's donated to my classroom by Bookclub members. https://t.co/mBimswG0XV

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